WTF??

I don't know when it happened...I'm not quite certain why it happened.  I HATE my job. For anyone who truly knows me, they know those words have never been spoken, by me, in the 18 + years, I've been on this job.  When I first started this job, it was busy...and I mean very busy.  I would answer more phone calls during a day than I can begin to count here. The shipping basket would be filled to capacity, and several trucks would jockey for position at the dock door. One customer would send an empty trailer just for his product.  I would ship over 100 packages UPS, heck the UPS driver considered 70 a light day :))  Now...I'm lucky to have 5 cartons going out the door, and it's FEDEX now, not UPS. The dock door stands open and empty now.  The phone rings maybe 10 times a day. I spend most of my day fielding emails from creditors and trying to figure out if there will be enough money for payroll and payroll taxes.  Bonuses are a thing of the past as are health, and life, insurance. I'm not certain if there will be any pension for me when I need it.  I'm bored to tears, but I have no other recourse until someone sees my resume and decides to hire me.  I've even gone as far as sending resumes out of state.  I cannot leave a paycheck before I have one to replace it, but boy is it tempting.  I know the smart thing is to "tough" it out, but it's really tough. I know, I should be very grateful to have a job to complain about, and I am...truly.  I recognize the difficulties others are having, and have had, in finding work.  So, yes on one hand I'm very grateful, on the other hand, I feel as though I'm wasting away here.
There are days, like today, when I want to take a leap, step out, and just go.  Toss the fear to the side and just walk away, but I can't; that's not realistic.  Oh well...stop complaining....suck it up and do what you have to do right?  If only....see post below.  No wonder my daughter says she doesn't want to be like me...I don't want to be like me either.

Where Do I Go?

I need to talk to you..I need to see you...I need you to tell me everything is going to be okay.  I need to have you sit across from me at the table, with a coffee cup in one hand, a cigarette in the other, balanced on your knee because you have put your foot on the chair.  I need to hear the name, the one name, the only name...your name for me.  WHY, WHY, WHY??????????  I want you to say to me, "Pooh, don't worry it will be okay. This will all work out the way it's supposed to."  "You know I'll help any way I can." And after that, you would say something to make me laugh and I would know, I would just know, you were right...it would be okay.  No matter what else had happened between us, you were my best friend.  I knew I could turn to you no matter what, you were my strength and my confidant.  You never passed judgment on me...you always listened.  It's hard to be the ex-wife of a dead man.  I'm not the widow...not "officially" and because I was the ex-wife there's an assumption that we didn't like, nor care, about each other, that I must in some small way, be happy that you're gone.  I do feel like a widow...inside my heart is broken, my spirit feels damaged, I sometimes find it hard to hold things together. I've made dumb, stupid choices because I can't seem to find my way out of this hole I'm in...and I look for the wrong things to pull me out of this abyss.  I can't stand not having you around. When I told you I was frightened and I couldn't do this on my own...I wasn't just in the throes of grief....I was speaking truthfully from my heart.  I don't know what to do....I miss you.....

Sometimes It Is The Road....

When I first started this blog, and decided on the  title, I did feel as though it really wasn't so much about the road I was on, but the journey that would get me to the end.  What I've come to realize is it is most definitely the road.  The road has become the people I've met along my journey. Some of the people I have only "met" in the cyber world, some I have not met at all; I only know them indirectly from other friends.  I have bittersweet feelings about this; I am happy to have met them, but very unhappy over the circumstance which brought us together. Cancer is what we have in common, not school, not work, not familial relationships...CANCER.  For those who kind of keep up with my musings, I've said all along, I will answer anything...most topics have not been off limits when it comes to the cancer subject.  Of course the   exceptions are: my discussion with my children, the full hair loss story, and the cosmetic part of the reconstruction.  I cannot honestly say I will ever share the discussion I had with my children, a girl has to keep somethings to herself and it was an extremely private moment.  The full hair loss story??? I don't know that there is really much more to add to that other than some emotional reactions, but if you really want to know, ask me.  OH....my first visit to a barber to have my head cleaned up was interesting for 3 reasons, 1. I've never been to a barber, 2. He used a straight razor on my head, and 3. He CUT me..right above my ear!!! Burned like a SOB!!  Still kind of funny. And the full cosmetic part of the reconstruction...I don't know...we'll see.
I had thought about ending this blog, but as I said above, I've "met" some women who are new on this road and if any of my ramblings inspire them to ask questions, of anyone not just me, well then I'll keep typing away. If they take away a sense of encouragement, empathy, or "thank God...I thought it was just me" well then, I'll be here.  So ladies, you know who you are, I want you to know you're not alone in this...whether it's this blog, your friends, your family, or a support group, you are loved and people want to help you; let them.
Ask me anything, vent here if you want....much love to you all.
And as usual, ta, ta for now!!

Ooops...did I say, "Journey's End?"

I think I misspoke.  Turns out, I found a bit more to say...sorry!  There are some things I realized I didn't address; not things of great importance but things that tend to cross my mind from time to time. Funny, when I think I've said it all other things pop into my head and then when I try to put the words to paper they seem to fall apart as though I'm trying to catch a soap bubble. I don't know that there's anything left to say about the initial diagnosis and the surgery.  Having the expander inside my chest was interesting and made dressing fun.  Flat chested on one side and not on the other...lots of baggy sweaters are a good idea for that.  Like I said, the support bra helped a lot; it really did feel comfortable and secure....I had to force myself to give it up, odd huh?  The expander is like a deflated balloon under the skin.  Because of having the breast removed, there is a lot of skin loss.  The expander goes under the skin and has a port  the plastic surgeon would inject saline into. This forces the skin to stretch in preparation for the implant.  At this point I should mention, I had several options open to me for reconstruction.  One option was not to have reconstruction and wear a prosthetic...not an option for me.  I have watched my mom struggle with those things for years and I knew I would not want to go that route.  Believe it or not, she has to fight tooth and nail to get it replaced, and I know someone else who  has to hold hers together with duct tape.....absurd to me...but you can get all the Viagra or Cialis you want.  Sad when you think about it.  Since I had the option of reconstruction, it was a matter of choosing which type of reconstruction I wanted.  The one I really wanted involved taking skin from the stomach, like a tummy tuck, and reconstructing a breast with that.  That is, and will be, the only time in my life I've heard the words, "you don't have enough skin to do that". Also when taking skin from one part of the body and transplanting it to another, there is the risk of the skin dying.  I did not want to take that chance.  Turns out, that happened to me later, but that's another story for another day.  Those are my reasons for choosing the tissue expander.  Having the saline injected did not hurt at all...the syringe was huge, the needle not so much.  Plus he used a little device that he would run over my skin and locate the port, just under the skin so the needle went right into the port...never hurt.  It was a series of injections over about 2 months...trying to get the sizing just right.  Once it was, off to have the implant..implanted.
There are 2 types of implants...saline and silicone...I chose silicone.  I researched, which anyone should do, seriously and decided silicone was best for me.  If I have regrets about my choice it is in the fact, that I did not have both breasts reconstructed.  As I've mentioned in previous posts, things were in a blur, and I really did not choose wisely in only having one implant.  The shape of my breasts are different, bras do not fit well, and my clothes hang differently.  Please, I can't stress enough, SLOW DOWN!!!  Think through your options.
Ta, ta for now

K'JON On The Ocean

Her Again????

Ha,ha, ha....I know I said in a previous post, that it would be my last, but I lied :))  It occurred to me today, that I'm a couple of days away from being 5 years post chemo.  YAY for me!!  I am excited more by that date than any other of the dates associated with my post breast cancer experience.  I think I'm more excited about this date because it means I can donate blood again!!  I know it sounds silly, but I always felt good about doing such a small thing. I am now able to make a phone call to the Red Cross and tell them I've got some veins they can tap :))) 
So again, YAY for me!!!  Toot, toot (me tooting my own horn....LOL :)))))))
Ta, ta for now!!

Journey's End

I believe I have, indeed, come to the end of this journey.  I think it's all been said on this blog. For me, the journey is complete.  I received my diagnosis, followed treatment suggestions, had my hair fall out and grow back, and my reconstruction is 99% complete.  All in all, it could have been much worse and I know how blessed I am.  I don't carry the gene which was a concern, so to have that test result come back negative, was a huge relief.  This is not an experience I wish on anyone, but it's one I'm not entirely sorry I had.  I found out a lot about myself and I am still discovering things.   I doubt I will revisit this blog again so I'll try to leave some thoughts.

Cancer is not an automatic death sentence.
If you should be given this diagnosis, breathe....deeply....laughter is okay....I should know.
Visit those doctors that are recommended, write down their treatment options....Get a second opinion.  You have time, use it.  Remember, none of the doctors telling you what you should do, will be taking surgeries, or treatments, with you.  The ultimate decision is yours.  Don't do what you think others will want you to do...trust your gut. 
Ladies...I can't stress it enough......BREAST SELF EXAMS ARE CRUCIAL!!!  Nobody should know your breasts better than you. 
It's okay to let your family in on your fears and struggles...don't try to be super human in their eyes.
Lastly...laugh. Laugh long, hard and often. When I was first diagnosed, a GAP type store was selling t-shirts.  They were selling one that was printed, "Who needs brains when I have these?" Of course referring to breasts.  I so wanted one to wear on the day I was to have surgery..I thought it would be funny and I needed to keep my humor that day. But, thanks to all  women that are so easily offended, and do everything in their power to prevent the rest of us from having a good laugh, they were taken off the shelves before I could get one.  "Hags without humor", I've never let anyone know that's my term for them , now I've said it in a public forum and I don't care.  That's what they were, and are.
I tried to find jokes about chemo online and only found one: How many chemotherapy patients does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they're all too tired to climb the ladder.  That was the funniest one I could find....sad.

I don't know that I've helped anyone, I don't know if anyone really reads this blog, but as I said in the beginning....this has been more for me.  If you're reading, thanks.
Bye!