WTF??

I don't know when it happened...I'm not quite certain why it happened.  I HATE my job. For anyone who truly knows me, they know those words have never been spoken, by me, in the 18 + years, I've been on this job.  When I first started this job, it was busy...and I mean very busy.  I would answer more phone calls during a day than I can begin to count here. The shipping basket would be filled to capacity, and several trucks would jockey for position at the dock door. One customer would send an empty trailer just for his product.  I would ship over 100 packages UPS, heck the UPS driver considered 70 a light day :))  Now...I'm lucky to have 5 cartons going out the door, and it's FEDEX now, not UPS. The dock door stands open and empty now.  The phone rings maybe 10 times a day. I spend most of my day fielding emails from creditors and trying to figure out if there will be enough money for payroll and payroll taxes.  Bonuses are a thing of the past as are health, and life, insurance. I'm not certain if there will be any pension for me when I need it.  I'm bored to tears, but I have no other recourse until someone sees my resume and decides to hire me.  I've even gone as far as sending resumes out of state.  I cannot leave a paycheck before I have one to replace it, but boy is it tempting.  I know the smart thing is to "tough" it out, but it's really tough. I know, I should be very grateful to have a job to complain about, and I am...truly.  I recognize the difficulties others are having, and have had, in finding work.  So, yes on one hand I'm very grateful, on the other hand, I feel as though I'm wasting away here.
There are days, like today, when I want to take a leap, step out, and just go.  Toss the fear to the side and just walk away, but I can't; that's not realistic.  Oh well...stop complaining....suck it up and do what you have to do right?  If only....see post below.  No wonder my daughter says she doesn't want to be like me...I don't want to be like me either.

Where Do I Go?

I need to talk to you..I need to see you...I need you to tell me everything is going to be okay.  I need to have you sit across from me at the table, with a coffee cup in one hand, a cigarette in the other, balanced on your knee because you have put your foot on the chair.  I need to hear the name, the one name, the only name...your name for me.  WHY, WHY, WHY??????????  I want you to say to me, "Pooh, don't worry it will be okay. This will all work out the way it's supposed to."  "You know I'll help any way I can." And after that, you would say something to make me laugh and I would know, I would just know, you were right...it would be okay.  No matter what else had happened between us, you were my best friend.  I knew I could turn to you no matter what, you were my strength and my confidant.  You never passed judgment on me...you always listened.  It's hard to be the ex-wife of a dead man.  I'm not the widow...not "officially" and because I was the ex-wife there's an assumption that we didn't like, nor care, about each other, that I must in some small way, be happy that you're gone.  I do feel like a widow...inside my heart is broken, my spirit feels damaged, I sometimes find it hard to hold things together. I've made dumb, stupid choices because I can't seem to find my way out of this hole I'm in...and I look for the wrong things to pull me out of this abyss.  I can't stand not having you around. When I told you I was frightened and I couldn't do this on my own...I wasn't just in the throes of grief....I was speaking truthfully from my heart.  I don't know what to do....I miss you.....