Where Do I Go?

I need to talk to you..I need to see you...I need you to tell me everything is going to be okay.  I need to have you sit across from me at the table, with a coffee cup in one hand, a cigarette in the other, balanced on your knee because you have put your foot on the chair.  I need to hear the name, the one name, the only name...your name for me.  WHY, WHY, WHY??????????  I want you to say to me, "Pooh, don't worry it will be okay. This will all work out the way it's supposed to."  "You know I'll help any way I can." And after that, you would say something to make me laugh and I would know, I would just know, you were right...it would be okay.  No matter what else had happened between us, you were my best friend.  I knew I could turn to you no matter what, you were my strength and my confidant.  You never passed judgment on me...you always listened.  It's hard to be the ex-wife of a dead man.  I'm not the widow...not "officially" and because I was the ex-wife there's an assumption that we didn't like, nor care, about each other, that I must in some small way, be happy that you're gone.  I do feel like a widow...inside my heart is broken, my spirit feels damaged, I sometimes find it hard to hold things together. I've made dumb, stupid choices because I can't seem to find my way out of this hole I'm in...and I look for the wrong things to pull me out of this abyss.  I can't stand not having you around. When I told you I was frightened and I couldn't do this on my own...I wasn't just in the throes of grief....I was speaking truthfully from my heart.  I don't know what to do....I miss you.....