I guess it has been a mighty long time....I started this blog just about 5 years ago, deleted it, and then thought I should bring it back. I started this blog when Bob was going to Iraq, the first time, and I was diagnosed with breast cancer. It was a way to keep him updated on what was going on, and it became a place for me to "let loose" with some of my emotions. I don't know if anyone still reads blogs, but even without one reader, this again will become a place to "let loose" as I approach year 5 of being cancer free. Funny, up until this milestone, and it is, I never really thought much about year 5!! Oooooooooo....year 5....here it comes...watch out!! It really did kind of sneak up on me...5 years wow!
A little history is in order I think. Oct. 2005...breast self-exam, and if you're not doing those...SHAME ON YOU!!!!!!!!!, felt something strange, hard, unusually hard. Had my mammogram scheduled, and when asked if I had noticed anything different....well yeah, this crazy hard thing in my left breast. Hmmmmm....2 additional x-rays, wait, ultrasound-alright, still was feeling okay, not alarmed. In the middle of the ultrasound, the doctor came in and wanted to move me to a different machine and she took over the task of the ultrasound. Still not worried...she said "there is a little something", she wants to do a biopsy. Okay...Oct. 18, biopsy....after the biopsy was finished, which the numbing hurt like he**, the doctor put her hand on my shoulder and said they would call my doc with the results...I knew, I just knew, there was something in her face, the way she put her hand on my shoulder, or maybe I knew at the ultrasound, but I knew it was cancer. She said it would take 3-5 days for the results, but I knew it wouldn't take that long. I remember driving to the bank that afternoon, and trying to figure out how I would tell my children....when I got home that evening, my doc. called and confirmed what I thought.
Funny....literally...I laughed like a fool, it just seemed too absurd to be real.....got the info about surgeon, etc., called my children. That is not open for discussion here...that's between me, and them. If you want to know, ask them.
Visit with surgeon, breast health nurse (angels if they exist in person), talk of surgery, chemo and that whole fun....surgery scheduled.....done, home, pain, drains, bandages, had a tissue expander implanted in prep for reconstruction. Met the plastic surgeon, made plans, started the expansion and call to oncologist.
The oncologist visit was scary, to say the least...not very pleasant to hear all the wonderful side effects of chemo, and we mapped out a treatment plan. Chemo: 12/9/05....and so it began.....4 treatments of one type of poison, 4 treatments of another type of poison spaced 2 weeks apart....joy of joys. Just when I would start to feel a little more like myself, ahhhh....another round of chemo! 12/30/05, the day of Bob's going away to IQ party, my hair fell out. I woke up that morning with the biggest knot of hair at the back of my head....tried to brush it, but all the hair, it was too much. So genius that I was, and am, decided I should wash it out, let me just say this was probably one of the worst decisions I have ever made. As I sat at my vanity and tried to dry it, again big mistake, I had a part on my head that was to say the least an inch and a half wide. Plopped a hat on my head and went to work. Fortunately, it was half of a work day for the New Year holiday, and I drove up to a shop in Arlington that specializes in hats, scarves and wigs. Again, something that I don't feel like sharing right now. Off to Bob's party, can't hang out in the kitchen, cause I'm shedding like a dog with mange, so after the party I get my head shaved by my brother Joe. My nephew Jamey shaved his too....in all the trauma, wonderful loving moments. That's a story for another day. One of the perks of hair loss was my shower time fell from 20 minutes to about 5, the hair on your head is not the only hair to go!! :))))
I'm going to break this 5 year journey into a few parts...it's, I'm discovering, too long for one entry. So as last time, ta, ta, for now!
I remember the first day that I met you Tammy. Here, I had just met Bob and was there to meet his family and see him off to Iraq. We were walking through the farmers market and you told me. I think that I secrectly hugged you, because you didn't want your kids to know yet, until you were more sure, yourself. I fell in love with you right then and there, that you just met me, we became instant best friends and trusted me enough to tell me that. I think we talked about it for a few minutes, but the kids were beginning to wonder why we kept wandering off by ourselves. I remember crying for you that night. God, I prayed that you didn't have to go through that.
ReplyDeleteThen Bob found out later on, that I knew that you suspected.and told me. before you told him. Angie told me that he was pretty upset with me for not telling him. It wasn't my place, it was yours. You are his mother, that should come from you. But he felt that because I was his new "mother-in-law" Mom #2 in a way, I was his family, so therefore I should have told him if I knew something was wrong with his mother. I don't know if he has ever really trusted me since then.
But everything worked out and everyone lived happily ever after. The End. (I love happily ever after stories!) Love you,Tammy...Now give yourself a big hug from me.
Mo,I had no idea Bob felt that way....but it's okay. There are, as you know, some things that a Mom has to handle in her own way; it may not be her kids' way, but that doesn't make it wrong. What I needed at that time, was a perspective and understanding, that my son, God love him, couldn't give me...only you could. I don't regret it for a second. I'm sure after thought, and time, he knows it was right as well. Thank you for being there for me....you don't know what it meant. Love you...and hugging you too!!
ReplyDeleteTammy,
ReplyDeleteAfter having read all of your posts just now, all I can think is...WOW!! I already knew you were a great person, but, you are so much more than that. You are such a strong and, believe it or not, courageous woman. Your strength shows through in your writings and I wish I had been able to read your blog 5 years ago, while all of this was happening to you. How I would have cheered you on and been there for you to talk with! As someone who may be looking at having some issues with cancer in the near future, I can only hope that, should I end up in that position, I handle the whole process as well as you have with your grace and your dignity intact. You are right...you are not a survivor, but, a conqueror! Please don't feel awkward about me having read your blog, or by anything I stated here...you have nothing but my utmost respect over this. And, who knows? I may be needing some more in depth answers from you one day soon, myself. Btw...you look great!! :)) {{{hugs!!}}} Ruth